I haven’t wanted to write.
I haven’t wanted to write for a lot of reasons lately. Life has been really heavy and confusing. Right now I’m sitting in a parking lot, in the back of my car, waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up. I’m reading about prayer. The back hatch is open, and I’m looking out at a thicket. There are all these colors intertwining, and it’s really beautiful. But from in there it might be really confusing.
Emotionally speaking, I feel like I’m in a thicket—every so close and so crammed that I can’t think of anything else and I can barely breathe. Everything is tangled, branches are crossed, and nothing seems clear. It’s been important over the last couple of weeks for me to be gentle with my heart and love those around me as best I can. Here are some things that I’ve been trying to do as I struggle through this thicket. I hope they are helpful.
Give yourself grace.
There’s nothing wrong with taking a step back from the things you normally do and letting yourself heal. I’ve been trying to give myself a hard deadline of two weeks for writing this blog, which, as you all know, doesn’t always work out very well. That deadline fell by the wayside a bit, and I’m just picking it back up now. This emotional thicket I find myself in put me in survival mode for a while, and it’s okay to be in that place. Sometimes all you can do in a given day is light a candle, put on some soft music, and breathe.
Try something new.
In the past couple of weeks, I’ve found that all the activities I usually do in my free time have just made me feel stuck in this tangled, twisted mind space. Something that I’ve found helpful is picking up something new, which for me has been knitting. Yes, post-grad has aged me several decades, but, hey, it’s relaxing and I might get some new mittens out of it. When a situation has sucked all of the joy out of your day-to-day routine, it’s important to still find ways to bring that sunshine back and find things that you enjoy.
Know there’s no blueprint.
There’s no particular way to get through a difficult season. The things that work for one person might not work for you. Survival mode might look like getting coffee with a friend twice a week for one person, and it might look like being cloistered up in a room with a cup of tea and a book for another person. One day might be full of laughter and faith and joy, and the next might feel hopeless and gray. That doesn’t say anything about you. And, fellow Christians, that doesn’t say anything about your level of faith. It doesn’t say anything about God’s love for you and his faithfulness towards you.
Keep moving forward.
A dear and lovely friend loves this quote from “Meet the Robinsons” (which is a fantastic and grossly underrated Disney movie), and it’s been helpful for me to remember. For me, survival mode has felt a little bit like being a shark. Most fish have swim bladders, but, fun fact: most sharks don’t have swim bladders. This means that they always have to keep moving; otherwise they’ll sink.
I don’t think that means that I have to be full speed ahead all the time. But for me, it’s important to keep moving in some capacity, whether that looks like applying for a couple of jobs, knitting a round of stitches, or just thinking about writing. I want to keep growing, no matter how slowly, no matter how painful. I don’t want to ignore life still revolving around me. It’s a delicate balance of taking it easy and letting myself grieve while not sitting in emotional darkness.
Thickets end. Times of confusion and struggle are seasons. But, like all seasons, they are cyclical. So when a difficult time comes around again, I won’t blame myself, the people around me, or God. I’ll let myself cry and let myself laugh. I’ll just keep breathing. I’ll just keep walking.