Every December 31st, I look back at the past year and think about all the things that have happened, good and bad. And my wistful self looks forward to the coming 365 days and sighs with a shining face, “This year is going to be different. This year I'm going to overcome my insecurities and wake up early and remember to not slouch while I type.”
I don't know why I always think that'll happen. It's a different year, sure, but it's the same me.
I've gotten better at making New Year's resolutions, though. It isn't realistic or even healthy for me to try to conquer my insecurities, not in my own strength, anyway. As a Christian, I trust that Jesus is going to show me the things I need to be working on throughout the year anyway. These days, my resolutions revolve around keeping myself healthy, making space for my creative muscles to flex and grow.
If I'm being honest, 2018 was a really hard year for me. After graduation, I found myself catapulted into a season of loneliness, away from the community and people that I loved. Long-distance friendship is really hard, and I could feel myself turning inward. I told myself that this was temporary, I was going to move out come October, November, December; I told myself that it was high time I took a break anyway because college had been wonderful, but insane and exhausting.
My sister went off to college to have her own adventures, and I found myself with my own room for the first time in my life. Looking back, all that time alone with my thoughts was not great for the extroverted, overthinking person that I happen to be. I struggled (and am struggling) with anxious thoughts, fears about the future, questions about the kind of person that I am and the kind of person I want to be. I learned that I’m actually a huge perfectionist, but only when it comes to holding myself to impossibly high standards. I hurt people that I am close to very badly, and I beat myself up about it for months.
This left me in a fragile place, trying to piece myself back together with video chats, journal entries, and visits to see my sister, boyfriend, and friends in the area. And I don't want to stay in that place anymore. I'm not going to hunch over my pain and make a pet out of it. I'm not going to give it a collar and a name and say, “Well, this is the season I'm in right now.” My God has given me not a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment. I can do something about this.
So I've started going to counseling this new year. I've always believed that taking this step is not a step of defeat, but one of great courage. It takes a big person to say, “I need help,” and then to seek out that help. (If you are wondering if you should talk to a counselor about overwhelming things happening in your life, I encourage you to do so. We need mental check-ups just as badly as we need physical check-ups.)
I'm realizing as I'm edging into adulthood that I need to fight for the things I enjoy. I want to fill my time with things that are going to promote growth in character and skill, in discipline and in creativity. For example, this past September, I wrote a poem every day. It was a fun exercise that stretched me creatively, helped me vastly improve as a poet, and allowed me to process my emotions in a unique and cathartic way. At the end of the month, I had thirty new poems. I’ve committed to something similar this year: I want to write half a page every day. That’s a nice, manageable commitment, around 125 words every day. It allows me to be productive and do something I love.
Every year, I see people on social media complaining about how terrible and disappointing the past year was. “This year,” they boast, “this year is my year.” But there’s no guarantee that this year is going to go the way we want it to go. Bad things are always happening. Hearts are broken. People reject us, misunderstand us. Friendships grow brittle and break. It’s not a matter of succumbing to that pain or rising above it. We can either sink into the ocean of that pain, sputtering and gasping for breath, or we can cling to the truth of who we are and who God is for dear life. We will walk through the fire this year, there is no doubt about that. What matters is what we hold onto when those things come.
Jesus is in 2019. He already knows what is to be. New things are ahead.
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Annalise’s 2019 Resolutions
(Written in a diner parking lot on December 31)
-film 1 clip every day
-write half a page a day
-read 75 books
-make a decision about grad school
-go to counseling
-write my boyfriend 1 letter per week
-get to know Jesus more
-do something scary
-get a full-time job
-confront insecurities and stop believing lies
-stand up for myself more
-REMEMBER THE TRUE THINGS
-love as best I can